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Kitty Porn

May. 20th, 2009 | 08:44 am

I'm not pretty when I'm angry.
I become pink-faced, sweaty, and my arms flail like a chicken drowning in a backyard pool.
When I cry, really cry, my face is contorted, a newborn pup's expression. I have a certain way of crying when other people are around--like a movie star, cheeks wet with a stage hand's bottled tear drops. It isn't tragically fake because there is nothing tragic about it.

I'm starting to think I should just move in with myself. Then, it occurs to me that I do not have enough money to live by myself, and no longer have the luxury of doing so without a large amount of pin money sacrifices. He has made it clear that he wants to live with him, that there is some sort of responsibility to this person. This person, out of all who was convinced to move out here, this person needs you.

To live with the one person in th world you love more than anything or anyone else, you must live with a person who represents everything you hate in a human being (truly). Is it worth it? I'm asking you. Is it? Because I don't.

I don't know.

If you live with someone who makes you happy--not fake happy, not momentary happiness, not contrived 'it's so beautiful' happiness-- someone who makes you feel real happiness....And you are forced to live with someone who has a presence which makes you very unhappy....Do the two cancel each other? Are you stuck in a Limbo of wanting to be happy, but cursed with a year's worth of frustration?

I hate the feeling of being asked what I want, when I know the person does not want to hear it. Will it change anything but make you sad to hear it? Stuck.

I will tell you what I do not want. I am tired of roommates. Yes. One in particular, but also as a whole. I am done with the idea of roommates. I'm done with the feeling of a person in the next room. Pretending to be friends. Listening to someone else's music, which is usually the same goddamned crap every day. 'Paper Planes' or 'Kids' on repeat, like it isn't enough to hear it in every store in the mall.

It isn't personal. I have found something horribly wrong with every person I have lived with. Relationships have suffered, I have burned bridges, and I am about to lose my fucking mind. You strip away the flesh and muscle, and the bare bones are that I do not like living with people. I like my space, I like my silence, I like something to be mine and no one else's.

Honestly, the only person who I actually love living with is Todd. Because I don't mind if certain things are We things and not My things. Because, he cleans his dishes, and doesn't leave the television on all day, he doesn't complain about Chuck or give him gross leftovers, he doesn't throw my clothes on top of the dryer when he needs to use it, and he gives me space when he knows I seem like I need it.

So. As the plot thickens, will Melissa be forced to live with a person she really really really doesn't want to live with? Will this issue tear apart her relationship? Will she be thrown onto the streets like Maggie: Girl of the Streets? Will she rage against the almost-inevitable, only to wind up at her father's doorstep, pleading for a place to stay?

My life is pretty predictable, but I'm stumped by this one.

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from: designnotchance
date: May. 28th, 2009 04:40 am (UTC)

We money

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