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I make money like Fred Astaire

Oct. 13th, 2009 | 12:43 pm

Ohhhhhh Jesus.

When I was fourteen, I wrote a log of my life, which turned into the depressing, self-obsessed ramblings of a teenage girl. This log/journal/whatever was to be read upon my 23rd birthday. Today, I commending myself for waking up before noon, and after watching the last hour of 'Superstar,' I decided it was time I read the notebook.

I verbalize that I am very nearly sure I'm having a break-down, or a quarter-life crisis. It is really more of a shut-down. When something breaks, it makes a loud crash--We do not have to see it to know it is broken. I have simply turned off---stopped working. Stopped wanting to work. Since I have graduated college, I have accomplished nothing. I haven't even wanted to accomplish anything. I want to sleep, I want to watch movies, I want to see my boyfriend, and I want to eat. These are my wants. I don't actually want to spend time with my friends, unless I feel a sense of obligation to do so. I know I should want to go back to school. I know I should want to get a real job.

In reality, I want nothing. I wait all week for that random Wednesday/Thursday I have off of work, so I can wake up when I feel like waking up, and I can drift around the house for five-to-six hours before I have to shower and hide the evidence that I have done nothing all day, so when Todd walks through the door, he doesn't feel sorry for me.

My notebook just ends. I just...stopped writing in it. Right when my life started to turn around, when I actually started to have something to say--I just stopped. My motivation to enlighten my "older, my mature self" is no more than twenty pages of very typical teenage-girl rants.

I just stopped. I worked so hard for so long, and now I have just stopped. I have to learn to function without guidance, and I'm not stepping up to the challenge. I know exactly what is wrong with me.

I've never been this apathetic in my life. I've never been so goddamned lazy.

But don't tell anyone. It's a secret.

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Comments {2}


i love you

from: acid_burn115
date: Oct. 14th, 2009 08:19 am (UTC)

I think being raised in the type of society were in instills in its youth that your supposed to work your ass off all through out public school and well on through college years, and when we finally graduate we have to hit the ground running into the "real world". What they neglect to tell us is that its ok to do nothing for a bit... because you've just spent your entire life up until this moment working hard to get to this point. Not sure if that makes sense.. im half asleep. anyway, I think its ok to not feel like doing anything right now. maybe you need this time to just relax and take it slow for a moment, its not like things will stay this way forever. But its ok to just slow down and breath for a while, be a hermit and read, whatever makes you happy. Think of it as time off so you can find new inspiration before you move into the next faze of your life where you'll certainly be working your ass off once again. What your doing, and going there is ok in my book... Im there myself, enjoying this period of calm while it last. your not lazy, just long overdue for a break in life.

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from: billsuvebi
date: Oct. 31st, 2011 04:33 pm (UTC)

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